How Many Days And Nights Till

the trees only speak when the wind begins to slip through their leaves and lets them whisper the softest songs that you will ever hear so listen close and tune in to the sounds that are all around this house that i call a home and sit with me on this bench where i rocked the years of my life right on by and i can close my eyes and recall all the times ive fallen asleep right here listening to the storms that passed through this neighbor hood and how my cat has been the one to wake me up and let me know its time to go inside so please just rock with me and listen to the creaking of the screws as they are just as old too for the years have taken their toll on more than just me but the trees still sing just as amazing as they did back then when i could just rest my eyes and put asleep this restless mind with ease and not have to worry and about the what ifs and the maybes and just slip away into the dreams where everthing is make believe but not so much to me but since there is so much comfort found on that bench that creeks ever so softly as it rocks back and forth and lets the memories flow through my mind as im letting my thoughts wonder far and wide and i wonder just how i got to be exactly where i am and the city i see in front of me with al the noise and all the busy bees that run around these streets without ever stopping to greet the strangers that pass them by but instead just stare away to avoid the eye to eye that calls for that awkward hello and the comforting goodbye when you realize that you are just like me and i am just like you and no matter the path we choose there are similiar things we can find along the way and relate its just a matter of trying to travel those paths and trying to break free from everything we were set out to be but some how and some way i feel my body begin to come to a stop and a sudden rush of a cool breeze begins to bring this rocking bench to a sudden stop and im woking by soft for and a sudden purr and realize that i never left where i felt so complete and now i realize that i am finally back on my feet.........

its just a piece of paper they say with lines that should be filled in the exact way that they make us believe to be the proper way of spilling out the stories and the lyrics and the jokes and papers that i wrote with what they say is just a pencil thats just a piece of lead with some wood to hold it tight and make sure it never falls out of place and writes so nice but these arent just simple little things to many because we all believe to see them as an escape a way to get out of this place and just let eveything inside of us take over as we say fuck these lines and the punctuation and the guidlines that have been placed into our minds and we just let our emotions and imaginations spill out onto this thing that called just a piece of paper and transform it into a work of art a master piece a novel a short story or even just a scribble that with make the biggest fucking ripple in anyones mind that will lay their eyes upon the hidden pages and crumbled up wastes that we have placed all over this world and for those to look upon it all as just a piece of paper with just random words or pictures and not truly look into whats really behind that simple piece of lead that has been layed out upon the white of the paper then you are truly lost and have no imagination or concentration to try and interperate what your looking upon and i feel sorry for you cause for all this time its been our minds and our thoughts and our sleepless nights that have written and drawn most of the amazing things that you dwell and live upon today so tell me its just a piece of paper with no meaning just stupid ramblings and ill tell you how sorry i feel that you cant even be real to me because you can understand anything through the blinds youve placed over your eyes over such a long period of time and i just hope one day something on these pages will help you break away from the bullshit youve become acustomed to and you will once again see how intouch with everything we truly are and wish you wouldnt just discard all these amazing things as just nonsense on a piece of paper thats scattered through out this world......

in a city so small but yet so big at the same time it drowns me out and carries me along the streams that run down the streets into the storm drains where everything is washed away beneath our feet and i just float along humming the tune of my favorite song with nothing going on inside my mind except how i can feel so small in a place where no one is anybody at all and everyones face is just another blank canvas inwhich our eyes just paint what we think we see and their stories and their minds are just fabrications that have been molded with time to things they feel they enjoy and believe in and can hold true until the day where they let go and their soul grows out of their shell and its left hollow and cold underneath the ground deep inside the dirt that comforts our feet and now where did all that time go did their ideas and feelings ever transfer from within themselves to another to hold and believe in while wrestling underneath the covers intwined in what most would call as lovers or did they just pound their feet away at the cold concrete and keep that cold straight face where they wont let our eyes see that they want anyone to be let in or are they just dieing to find that one person in this space and time that can fill avoid that they believe is so large in their lives that nothing else will do besides the thought of someone who will hold them so true or do they just want to race agaisnt the clock and try and make everything come to a stop when they show their ways and their beliefs as if it will knock us off our feet but from underneath those streets with all the pounding feet it just sounds like a constant mess of misguided feet that lead down the wrong path and march to the beat of the broken records that have been set for all of those to believe as their life and they way it should be lead but no not for me for i am floating down the labyrinth of drains that stretch underneath this city where no one can see me listening and watching them beat them selves down with every step on this hollowed out ground...........

So cold, so fragile, so helpless are the new born and the elder of the world, but yet there are loving arms that are here to hold them and warm their bones so they can stop the shaking and feel the comfort of loving arms that wrap them like the warmest blanket they will ever know and its funny how we watch their first steps and their first words and all we can think about is how they will live and how they will learn but then you blink your eyes and to much time has gone by and now their hair is gone once again and they bones are much bigger than they began but are still as fragile and cold and they still need someone to be there to hold and they have learned all their life and they have spoken their mind but its now in this time that they are just the same as the new born with a few exceptions but its all the same because in the end we some how go back to the begining and wonder how and why we all began to form on this world but thats to big of a picture for any of us to put together so why dont we just sit down instead and look at how amazing it is that no matter how much time passes and how many new lives come into play it will all end the same and the loving arms that brought you in and that youve found through your life will be right there by your side just as they were from that first moment you opened your eyes so why cant we all just realize that we are all just fragile people with minds that are easy to manipulate and form in such a way that it tears away from the simple things that make this world go round why cant we all just sit back and take a deep breathe and watch how people comfort and take care of their new born just like the elderly who take care of one another when they cant take care of themselves and realize this world isnt about just I but its about you and its about me and everyone we see from day to day and even though we might not know one another and maybe we never will just remember that we still feel and all have that certain part of us that we want to give to those who show us love and comfort and help us through the times when we cant carry ourselves or fend for ourselves so please just open your eyes and realize that there are so many things in this life that we will never understand but yet we can still believe in because we have seen these events unfold and have been placed in our memories to have and to hold....................

Words and phrases are just a bunch of frantic mazes that pour out of the mouths of the confused who let everything come unglued and feel battered and bruised while others bit their tongues and grind their teeth to hold back everything they wish they could say hoping that everything will get better when they open their eyes to a brand new day but in reality everything that has ever come to be arisses through the chaos of communication wether its completely unreal or its something that you truly feel it all starts with a simple vibration from the vocal chords and comes flying out of your mouth and hits my ears which trigger vibrations that hit the nerves and send them to the brain where i can interperet every word you say and them compile them into my memory and return the favor in a form of educated grammar and manner but in the end whos to tell what is so right and what is so wrong because with these views and opinions in the end we are all wrong and we are all the blame for the chaos and calamity that is sorrounding you and me all because of the words we choose and the views we see but why is that tearing us apart as a whole cause this society is honestly completely out of control and there is no way to stop it now we have beaten ourselves way to far into the ground and soon enough the only thing that will be around is the dirt that the worms fertilize so that the plants will grow and the grass will stay green so you and i can breathe and stay alive just to sit here and try and comprimize on all the things we have seen and we have heard but in the end what have we truly learned anything at all or is it just random nonsense that some how makes us who we are and shapes the way we want to be and molds our eyes to see exactly what they want to see so bring on your maze for me to see cause ill dive so deep into those words that slip between your teeth and ill find out for myself what truly lies beneath........

People are shady, people are sick, people are broken, people are bent, people are falling apart, people no longer have a heart, its getting sad and its getting sicking when you open your eyes to a brand new day and everything seems to be ok but once you leave the comfort of your home and look around you find your all alone in a sea of misleading faces that just seem to all blend together as if your staring down a stream where everything is moving the same damn way and everything looks the fucking same but underneath the surface theres constant changes and actions that take place where the eyes cant see and this is what keeps putting me in disbelief of everything i see cause no matter how hard i try to clear this vision of mine something always comes along and knocks it out of focus and everything i thought i saw and believed is no longer a reality to me and im left wondering just how this could be like honestly how can people wake up each and everyday knowing that underneath that shell of skin they call their own all their doing is pushing people around and taking what they need then shoving you off into a sea of random faces and they will forget about you and me or how people can talk in such an honest tone but when it comes time to shine and show their true colors they just break down and break out and show you that nothing they said held any truth and it was just a clever way of putting together a random phrase that your ears believed and your eyes conceived to be true by their body language and how they carried themselves so why wake up and open my eyes to look upon this ever growing and always changing hell that is all around me and i cant seem to break free why try and find those who are true and actually believe in everything they say and walk in a different direction than the rest of these mindless drones where their faces are melting and starting to show their bones for their skin was never even their own...................

The clouds come rushing in covering the sky with a blanket of cold grey misery like the thoughts in my mind that swell up over time and have no other option than to rain down upon everything thats around and spread its misery as far as the eye can see so not only does it affect you but it affects me and i try so hard to keep my feet pounding away at the ground through the puddles and the drenched streets that when my feet come pounding down there is a small splash and little drops come crashing down and its like i freeze for that moment in time and can see certain parts of me and my life in those tiny drops of water that i threw into the air when my foot hit the ground and i start to think of how parts of myself and my life have come crashing down and smacked head first into the pavement and splattered everywhere and anywhere just like these tiny drops that become once again a part of the cold drenched streets that give their backs to my feet as i scrap my heels along this path that leads to nowhere except a collapsing mind that is slowly destroying itself over time with these down pours of memories where i once was trapped and couldnt escape but there was a small break in these clouds where the light did shine through and some how i managed to grab a hold and never let go but now the down pours are back again trying to break and wither away everything ive tried to build and keep a hold of in my thoughts and in my memories but this feels like a never ending plague to me one that just eats away at the roots that have grown over time and helped hold this broken mind somewhat together and helped it through all of these so called stormy weathers that play out day by day and i feel that the roots are starting to give and the bricks are ready to crumble and i cant do anything but watch the plaster begin to fall out of the walls and into the puddles that are all around and the roots being to fall apart and the pieces begin to shift and drift away from the grasp that i once had and held for so long but the faster the clouds rush in the harder the rain beats down and the faster my feet pound at the ground trying to find an escape trying to find a better place where i can rest my feet along with my troubled mind and the storms will subside and i can finally lay down and take in the sunrise and its shine for all its worth and watch these soaked clothes begin to dry as my mind finally begins to subside and the thoughts that were raining down are slowly fading away as the sun starts to brighten up this day.................

I can hear the bull frog as it screams out over the lake to find its mate while the breeze is cool and soft as it blows over this beautiful place and through the trees where the leaves begin to sing a song so soft and sweet as the sun and the horizon finally meet and the sky turns dark while the stars being to show us there beautiful glow as they begin to fill the sky and i breathe in and squeeze you tight as we start to yawn and feel our eyes begin to get heavy and wonder how long we can manage to stay awake to lay here in peace before we fall asleep because while i watch the stars i begin to melt inside and feel so comfortable and alive that i cant help but to just finally relax and feel your soft skin against mine and our heart beats are completely in sync and it feels like there is nothing beneath us at all like were just floating over all the things we see and its only you and me and nothing can reach us so just let go of everything you know and just melt into me so you can see how much you mean to me and how much i want you to know every part of me from the inside out so take my hand and never let go because we are so high up in the air that i feel like i could die but you squeeze me tight and show me that everything is alright and how these stars shine so bright especially in your eyes and how this is the best part of life and everything feels so right but as i slowly blink my eyes i realize we've never physically left this chair or the singing of the trees and the blanket of stars that fill the sky and i see that i just got so lost in your eyes that i escaped to some other place that ive never been and its filled me with something that i could of never imagined so as the air begins to chill and the bull frog starts to quite down i kiss you on the forhead and put my feet onto the cold damp ground and hold you tight and embrace this feeling that youve placed inside of me on this perfect night then we slowly begin to rise up to our feet and walk up the little hill to lay inside the cold dark rooms where it feels like heaven and the stars are still shining their light into the room where we take flight as we kiss each other goodnight and hold one another tight because we dont want this night to end but time sets in and our eyes are closed but our hearts bodies and souls are still holding on and never letting go.................

Its like theres this burning inside of my mind that over time only gets worse and worse and finally it will explode and ill loose all control and it will take over my heart and mind and put this fire into my eyes where the only thing i can see is all the hate and just want to cause a path of mass destruction where nothing is left standing besides me and my bloody hands from breaking anything and everything my path, but i hate that i hate this, why must it be like this, the only thing that has ever come to mind is the things that fuel this fire that hides so far away from my control and understanding so please, please bring on the fire bring on the flames bring on the burning ill even give you the keys that cause this desire of hatred and utter hell on earth so listen up and listen close cause its not that hard fuck for most its what they strive to do and thats just tear apart others for everything they are, lying to their fucking face, back stabbing, cheating, and abusing, so please take those things into your mind and just let those fucking words flow right off the tip of your fucking tongue just so i can smash it back into your mouth and break all your fucking teeth and then watch you fall as your face hits the dirt because im not the ones whos hurt no not anymore, now whos fucking hurt you fucking piece of shit so come on call me a faggot, say it loud and clear and like you mean it and ill make you wish you never opened your godforsaken mouth to me because im sick of all the bull shit all the lies all the deceiving eyes and minds that ive come across throughout my time in this bullshit excuse called life, so come on mother fuckers make my fucking night and push it to fucking far, why cant you just man the fuck up and be honest and tell the truth live by those morals you were taught when you were younger, grow the fuck out of that bully stage cause your not impressing anyone your just a fucking joke who cant man up to shit, and oh its not over , its fucking far from over, and you wonder why i walk around with a pissed off look on my face and a grudge on my shoulder its because over these past few years my hearts only gotten colder and this burning fire inside my mind has become stronger and takes control within a split second cause of all you fucking pieces of shit that walk this earth just to put hurt on others well bring it the fuck on cause id love to see all of you on the fucking ground in a pool of your own fucking blood starring at your own god damn teeth you mother fucking pieces of shit...........

Everyday i try and think and imagine about the life thats ahead of me, but the bigger picture isnt a pleasant master piece that someone has painted out for me but yet its like a blur of water colors that just drip and blend into each other and make this massive blob of color that no matter how hard you try and see what lies within you just get lost and thrown off track by the massive run ons and dead ends that the paint beings to make as it slowly makes its way down the page like these frantic people that go day by day living their lives and passing by me so i just sit and stare and watch their feet pound agaisnt the sidewalks in a fast paced manner because they are afraid that time is never on their side and they will be late for this one thing in their life and if that is the case then their bigger picture will come crumbling down all around and they will be left with nothing but fear and doubt, so why bother why try and think about the bigger picture and try to paint out this amazing life with a wife two kids and a white picket fence it just doesnt make sense i mean they all say we are living the american dream and we are doing everything we need to better ourselves and our lives but in the end all we are doing is just conforming to this close minded opinion on how life should be for you and me but i just wish you could see that this painting that sits infront of me is nothing but chaos and calamity and that is amazing to me, so bring on the chaos and bring on the unorganized just let life sail on by with me starring it in the face and taking it step by step and making my own life and my path where im living to be exactly who i want to be not what this society wants of me, ive been looking down upon and made fun of, ive been through my fair share of shit and some how i made it through but sometimes i wonder what if i hadnt and i was left back in a place and time where i wasnt this strong and this content, even though i cant stay im truly content, but if i would of never decided to just take life day by day and live to learn and create a new and better way then id be lost forever and stuck wishing i would of picked myself up off the ground and started to walk agaisnt the crowd and hold my head up proud to be alive and maybe even strive to find something better and something new and maybe hope that as this paint dries and starts to let my eyes see what truly lies underneath is chaos and calamity that at the same time reality might do the same and i can just leave all these thoughts locked up inside my brain and stare off into space and pray that others might think the same and one day we can all create this huge change in this world and maybe make a new home for me and you but until that time comes or even gets thought of ill just watch these reds and blues mix with the yellows and greens and smash into the purples and pinks and let my mind begin to twist and drip and slip away from this shitty reality that has been layed out before me............

Theres an idea of life, an idea on love, happiness, morals and so on and so forth but when does it finally reach a point where these ideas just fade away and start to decay with the bones that lay beneath our feet and dissolve into the earth where everything was given life through birth and the ability to have a mind and to think for themselves and to grow and learn and hold true to everything they knew and believed in, but maybe as these bones start to decay and these ideas start to fade away and become a part of our past in which all we can do is look back and wonder of how things got this way, how things turned out to be so mixed up and confused that all these ideas were let loose into the flowing rivers that finally met with the sea and everything become so scattered and broad that no one can even recall the idea of being true to the ideas that were taught through the years by those who founded everything we know and hold close to me and you, but i guess as time goes on and the years slowly pass and the days disappear into the night i slowly begin to loose this fight of trying to find the strength to hold onto the morals that i was taught and that i have learned to hopefully better life in the end for everyone that i know and that i will meet while my feet walk across this earth that is covered with the blood sweat and tears that we all have laid down over the years of trying to find our idea of a good life and an honest living, but then again i take that back because what is an honest living and a good life because all i see is people just pushing on and thinking about the future and not worrying about the present and their actions that they do at this very second and how they play out into the world and the image they give off to the eyes of the passer by who wonder why they do the things they do because in their eyes what their doing isnt right and shouldnt be done but who has the right to say what is wrong and what is right in this world of today where everything has turned a faded out gray where nothing is the same as it use to be, fuck i cant even walk down the street and see the same things i did when i was 10 and its so hard to understand just how this change happened to not only my life but the world because now i feel so lost and shut out to the point where i have to hold myself back just so society cant look down upon me and freak out because of my state of mind and the thoughts that run through my head from time to time, and honestly thats just fucking sad, this whole world has become fucking sad, why dont you please just fucking talk to me instead of staring like im some sort of freak thats walking down the street, just know that im not that much different from you and your family, and my morals are the same as they have always been and i wont bend or break to this stupid fucking society and the way its starting to be because its honestly just bullshit to me, so please just fucking open your eyes and your mind and realize that time is all we have and the moment you sit and talk and vent and just let the conversation flow between the two of us youll realize how much we both know and can learn and change this world for the better and hopefully in turn save the lives of those who feel so lost that they cant find there way, so please im begging you dig deep into your heart and lend me a hand and help me make a better here and now for all of us and for those to come because honestly the river that our ideas have been overflowing into will finally run out of control and just wash away everything we knew and turn it into a wasteland of wasted ideas and dreams that got sucked downstream...............

what if there were no emotions, no feelings, and no cares, would everything just fall into place and seem so perfect like the greatest fantasy for everyones eyes to see or would there be some sort of misery but it would have no name and no sort of feeling, its a game where no ones winning, theres people dieing and people crying yet some are smiling and laughing at the pain of others while many are here wishing not to feel, so many loose themselves in such a violent way hoping to just push this pain away but in the end who can win when your cold and gone how do you think people will move on, i know ive thought about many things before and look where i am sitting here laying bruised and broken on this floor with my eyes held open and my heart by my side i lay and sit in all my pride of all the times i thought of how i cried and how you lied and here i am waiting to die to feel emotionless and see if its what everyone has wished it could be, so here i am just come and see me i am your fantasy i am what everyone wants to be, i am emotionless but yet im not here just my body and my remains are left to this day, so do you really want to wash away all this pain with a simple shot through your brain or do you want to just push out the bad and bring in the good, because either way crying is a good way to deal with pain, dont be ashamed when you break down and everyone is around because someone will come out of the crowd and hold you tight to tell you everything will be alright.................

tear me apart one by one with your eyes that bleed red while i cry as you pry right through to my insides to see just why im starting to die with every single lie that once left these lips and to those ears which made all those tears start to appear with a bullshit reason of jealousy of just what i couldnt see and make to believe was real and truly was dear to me so now im left with a memory of how things use to be and ill die tonight in those dreams of you and me walking hand in hand through the snow covered ground as if nothing else is around but just the beating of our hearts that sound as one and now we know just what has begun, but this story is no fairy-tale with a sweet ending where the girl and the guy will fall in love and gaze deeply into the eyes of their lover but this one will uncover the truth of why things are so hard to hide inside when the true feelings want to burst right out of your skin and into the air so everyone can hear just what you cant bare to let go into the minds of those who will bash at everything you once believed but this is when you show me the strength to get off my knees and push on even though everything i do is supposedly wrong so save me now from the nothing ive become but just a sorry soul whos lost all control of emotions and their mind because the time of when things felt so real and alive have died inside this heart of stone and these broken bones can no longer hold up this pale cold body that walks around like its about to break so take this from me before i start to make this one last mistake and take this the wrong way where its here i lay in the endless thoughts of what i could of done and and where you could of saved me from the words that bleed through my ears and tear apart everything i thought was probably and made it into the impossible, so cant you see that im dieing to be exactly what you see and everything you need cant you save me before i start to bleed and cry and before we all know ill fall down and inside ill begin to die for i can never be exactly what you need.................

can we just flow through this thing called time where you are mine and i am yours in the arms of each other where nothing can break this bond that flows between our viens and into our hearts where we feel we will be lost if we fall apart, just dont let go and we will never grow old for the beauty in youth is locked inside our hearts safe inside with all of our pride and joy that comes from every screaming boy being chased by the girls with the cooties that he swore he would never date but now here we are looking into the eyes of those we swore to hate for all eternity but now it seems to me that this is where home has become and my life has just begun with your glowing eyes inside my silent goodbye thats cried out as i slept alone that night before i met you on that sunny afternoon, ill never be same for your touch has changed me in a way that only my heart can describe for i have never cried in a sheer amount of joy as i did when you placed your lips upon mine and now i find that im lost in this thing called time when your holding me close and i can feel you breathe onto me as everything that is you is becoming me and i am becoming you and its here we will lay in perfect harmony for nothing but the trees will bring that ever soft breeze that is always reminding me of your gentle skin and warm eyes that caught me by suprise and now throw me around and clown around with such a joy that i never could of dreamed until i saw that gleem that turned everything i knew for a spin and now finally happiness can begin.....

can we turn off the sound and dim the lights and clear everyone and everything out of our site on this star filled night and just look up at the sky as if we were the only ones alive and just talk and express everything that seems to rest inside of our hearts and minds that are only dieing with this passing time that words have stopped and all communication is lost in the confusion of the times and sayings of others that make things cloudy and gray and bring nothing but rain that will drown everything away until these clouds decide to go away ill hide in the shadows were nothing can get to me besides my own mind and help me start to find exactly what it is i feel inside of me that makes the stars so bright and makes me feel that everything for once is alright but for some reason i cant win this fight to win your mind and soul and have your hearts trust and love to have to hold for all my own and just smile with these nights under the stars were everything seems so far and all i need is exactly everything you have come to be so just let me be and help me see that its you that brings out exactly whats dieing on the inside and makes it all come alive and make me wish that this moment will never die for if it did i think i may just die in my own mind for this night makes it seem as if there is no time and we can be as free as we long to be for here its only you and me and nothing else but the stars and our emotions that we can no longer hide for its you that i choose to confide everything that i tend to hide from the world that feels so distant so grant me one last wish oh shooting star for make this night end with a kiss so i will know that i will never feel alone because its you who floats deep throughout my bones......................

let the leaves begin to fall as i walk along them all and breathe in the cold air that seems to make every thing disappear with hopes and dreams that this fall could be everything i once dreamed where memories collide with reality and everything that i once dreamed could come to life and make everything seem so right and let us walk off into the night holding hands under this blanket that keeps us warm and closed out from the world we once knew to be our own but now its when our hearts beat as one with every breathe and glance in your eye time seems to get lost in my mind for there is nothing left to hide when i can feel your arms on my side and i feel as if ive gained more pride then i have ever held for my own when i hold you close and feel your breathe upon my neck where your head will rest upon my shoulder to make sure you wont get cold in this freezing night under these lights as the kids will play their little games and young men will run around the field in hopes to grasp a victory for themselves when i have found my victory when you were found next to me but through all and all this fall seems so full of hopes and dreams that make everything seem as if there could be a reason behind it all that brings us to miss the fall for its the start of something new when everything else becomes unglued, for it leads into the snow when everything else is dead and cold i can still hold you close and keep you warm for its here in these woods where these leaves my lay upon the ground and they remind me that its in the fall when love begins to make its mark for with the falling of the leaves begins the growing of my heart...........

in this light that shines so bright from the stars above let me explain everything in every way you need to hear for its here i fear that im lost again inside my own mind where ive been locked up for some time cause i cant seem to see what is real to me just this constant idea of how i imagine things could be i just want to know what exactly is real and how i should feel when certain emotions arise cause i cant seem to break anything inside this mind for everything is cold and numb just like this steel barrel of this gun that gently rubs against my head cause ive been plotting and seeing the ides of me dead in and out of my two eyes for quite some time so its no surprise that this is how i choose to die cause now i wont be able to shed a tear in the hopes and fears for one last cry to hopefully get out exactly whats inside this cold dark mind i just want to get out and escape this horrible nightmare where i wonder around and feel as if no one cares and everyone has that same blank stare that shows that no one knows exactly who i am or that i exist its like im just a faceless ghost that just hovers around and no one knows just why he is there and everyone just stares and picks apart at exactly what they see and in this it kills me cause i can never be exactly what i want to be for the criticism in others eyes just rips my insides apart and leaves me torn and frayed and lost in my own ways that now im tied into this mind that was once mine and this mind that beholds the thoughts of everyones mold i cant seem to find exactly what once was mine so tonight just know how confused of a soul i use to be for now i dont want you to see me in this state of eternal grace when i can finally embrace my own mind with this never ending time to see exactly what i could never be in my own two eyes.........

today i realized i dont know exactly why im alive but for some reason i feel the need that i have to strive to find what really lies inside although i know im where i want to be and the image staring back at me is exactly what i want to see theres still this emptiness that just eats away at me and some how some way it keeps my eyes from seeing the things i want to see maybe its just a constant misperception or even just a constant complication that i will never be completely who i want to be although i thought i finally achieved the self status i wanted to achieve and i truly started to believe that i was finally everything i wanted to be until i opened my eyes and realized that maybe im not completely alive or maybe i am but i just need a helping hand maybe im missing a certain piece of my life that faded away a long time ago when i had to say good bye to a loved one that i held so dear and it just led to a constant fear and mistrust that there is someone above all us of watching down and keeping tabs and lending a helping hand where it is needed and guiding the miss guided although i feel as if ive fallen of the path of the way that was printed out for me and maybe i cant feel completely alive till i revive this certain state of mind where i actually confide mind heart and soul into this things that i never believed when i was told that he was there when ever need be and he could see everything that has made me me so i sit and stare at this cold while ceiling that is straight above me hoping for a sign or even just a soft fain line of words in a phrase that could lift me up onto my own to feet and help me see just what ive been blocking from my own eyes to see and believe and maybe then i can be let free and live in total harmony because im sick of these days where all of a sudden i feel like i can break down and cry even though i thought i had everything under control i still feel as if i haven't completely closed up those problems in my life but i try so hard to make things right and even though i want to get through and make things good not only for me but those i see and do hold dear to me it all just comes crashing down with simple words and simple actions that just cause a chain reaction that hits straight to the heart and rips me apart piece by piece until there is nothing left and i can no longer see or even believe that what i see is a reality and what i dream is just fantasy its just a big mix of black and white strung together oh so tight that not even the slimmest sliver of light can shine so bright and destroy the darkness that seems to be haunting me and just let me free from this constant misery for all i want to be is happy with me and who i am and how i live and the things i do and feel totally new because this feelings have gotten old and as i grow they just seem to drag me down farther and farther until i feel like i dont even want to bother with waking up to face a new day that is set in front of me because im scared that this reality will be the death of me so somehow some way just come in and let me see and help me believe that there is truly something more and ive been missing so i can finally breathe in the air and smell the scents and hear the birds and watch the sky just float on by and realize that maybe this time this is life and its really real and im just not pretending to feel that everything is the way it should be or could be but its finally exactly the way things were meant to be and i can lay down and sleep with a constant smile that wont ever break because i know your there by my side to help push me through and make it to the next sunrise and through the day to watch the sunset and realize that today has been the best day ive seen in many years and i just feel as if i could break down in tears of joy and happiness because for once i can sleep in eternal bliss and just feel completely free of everything thats been destroying me and the man i see staring right back at me

could it be that i am just to narrow minded to find the time to realize that this life is mine and the only way to make it as good as it could possible be is try and make things happen for me even though it seems like an uncertain possibility where the chances and risks just arent worth taking and id rather keep making these mistakes that seem to shatter and break the ground beneath my feet and leave me running hoping to defeat this nightmare where reality isn't there and im lost drowning in this blank stare down a black hallway which eventually just turns gray because even my mind wont stay in my body and it takes off and takes flight off into the sky to maybe find another who can shelter it and be its new eyes to help it better understand everything that i could never comprehend and make sense out of because theres a lot that i still dont know that i want to find out and see if its real and if i can actually feel or have felt like im a live no just on the inside but outside to and i can control how happy i can be or even destroy the idea of being sad and always wondering about the things i could of had or possibly can never have its just these dreams inside my mind that get me so lost in this constant state of time and place and people with different faces going all sorts of paths in life and how do i know which ones will collide with mine over the passing time and who will stay and who will go this is one question i dont think anyone could possibly know but i wish they did because i want to know because im sick of wondering and waiting to met those who will stay true to me and help me see everything that im failing to see with my own to eyes because lately this world has left me feeling blind because i cant trust my own two eyes with everything ive seen or even my ears with the words they've heard pouring from peoples mouths and into the air its just a bending and twisting of words and emotions that just get scrambled into a code that i just cant break because no matter how hard i try i cant seem to help others find what really lies inside of them and the happiness i know they want to reach and the state of feeling alive in which they want to become and just realize that they arent alone and they can start to be a part of the reality thats all around us and join in on the fun while ill just sit and watch and wait for that helping hand that could possibly pull me through this ditch that ive dug so deep i cant even see others as they pass by me its like im non existent or just make believe in everyones eyes because everyone just seems to pass me by but it doesn't matter they say that if one breaks down and cries that it could help to cleanse them and help them see and realize things that have been miss judged and to never hold a grudge because were young and life is full of dumb things that people tend to do but they always say best friends will stick with you like glue and yes i can agree that that is very true because ive learned that first hand and its made this life go by little by little still second guessing everything ive ever done and those ive ever hurt or helped and how i could of possibly affected peoples lives if ive helped them stay alive and live their life to the best they could or if ive just mad them cry and feel so broken up inside and if so then sometimes i just wish i could curl in a ball and just die or even just hide so they'd never have to look into my eyes of constant confusion and just see this complete state of delusion that ive been caught in for so many years but its ok ill just down a few beers and pain killers as well so i wont feel anything at all and my mind will be so numb that reality will be a joke to me and maybe i can leap out this window and on to the ground where my body would splat and most would freak out and call an ambulance but its ok just let me sit and rot and wait till the birds pick me apart and take me away because i dont believe i deserve to be treated better then any others because im not like any one else im just a constant mess with these misplaced ideas and misread faces that just lead me on to believe the false truth and ignore the truth because its never been one to show its face to mine and look me in the eye and tell me everything is fine because everyone who ever said that its fine has been lying right through their teeth and dont understand misery and grief and it takes a lot out of your mind body and soul and just beats me down day by day and leaves me with nothing to say but why me, why must i go through this pain just to realize that hey im a live but i dont feel alive because i have nothing that motivates me or wants me to strive for something im basically a waste of memory and time and a human shell because ive accomplished nothing and i cant do anything right because it always ends up in constant chaos and misery so i give up thats it is its over its done this time its for real because i just honestly need to feel, im tired of being numb and feeling so lost and dumb when it comes to trying to have fun and just let go and be free and do everything that makes me laugh and giggle and smile and have that gleam in my eye that finally screams "I finally feel alive, inside and out!" but thats aiming way to high because honestly i dont think ill ever feel completely alive...........

Life is a never ending journey of questions, some have answers and some don't but maybe the questions that have answers are just merely opinion or factual information that has been feed to us over the years and we have been lead to believe them as true. Maybe the questions that have no answers have been answered but no one believes what they've been told so its looked upon as fictional information that doesn't apply to this so called reality that we live in. Is this the reason for living? Is this why we push through each day? To search for the answers to questions that no one knows and to find the truth in the answers to the questions that seem so relevant to everything we know. Or is it just another task that we are to fulfill through the journey of our life. They say don't let yourself get hung up on certain things because the answers will never come. Maybe those who don't let themselves get hung up on these questions are the ones who go through their whole life in a constant daze where they take day by day for what it is and never question a single thing. Are they truly happy with the way they live their lives or do they even question the thought of happiness? If they never question the thought of happiness or any emotion for that matter do they truly know how they feel or what they are feeling? Those who tend to question everything are said to be miserable or not very understanding, but perhaps they are the most understanding because they question everything they feel, think and hear. Maybe they are the ones with the real answers or atleast something close to the real answer but how can one know the exact and true answer. The answers are only what you make of them, there is never a completely right and wrong answer to the questions that life seems to bring upon us, but overall maybe there will never be completely true answers about life maybe its just all pure opinion and judgment on the things each individual person faces in life. There are a lot of theories and possible solutions to many things in life but where did they come from, how did they come to be? Life is one big question that will never be completely answered so just go through life answering your own questions with your own experiences and maybe then will you have a better understanding about life.